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Doing time, part III

October 01 2024

In this final instalment of time-travelling sleuth McHaggis, our imprisoned protagonist continues to argue with his fellow prisoners, each itching to escape. Screenplay by Chris Sampson.

Previously: McHaggis was imprisoned due to new laws enabling the police to arrest anyone who “looks like they’ve slept rough” and/or “smells excessively”. In part one of the screenplay readers were introduced to fellow inmates the Count of Monte Cristo, the Discount of Monte Cristo, the Miscount of Monte Cristo and, finally, the C*nt of Monte Cristo. The group’s bickering stopped short when they learned of new laws punishing more of society’s most vulnerable people. The story then cuts to Temperance Man executing a drive-by on some drinkers. Now read on…

INT. CHATEAU D’FIIF PRISON. DAY

[Temperance Man is manhandled into the prison by Crufts and other goons.]

McHaggis: That wasn’t much of an interlude. Just sayin’.

Discount: Yeah, I agree. More like a brief cutaway. And what happened to your cod-Mexican accent

McHaggis: Eh? Oh, it must have escaped in the confusion of the food riot and afterwards when everyone was listening to Crufts droning on.

Crufts: Me? Droning on? How dare you! Goon#1! Take him to the cooler!

C*nt: [gasps] Not the cooler! But isn’t Steve McQueen in there, throwing a baseball against the wall while dreaming of escaping on a motorbike? And to avenge his mate, the wee Scots actor who played Shughie McFee in Crossroads years after The Great Escape?

Crufts: Damn! He’s got a point! There’s no room in the cooler until Steve McQueen rides that motorbike over barbed wire. Let him go, Goon#1!

Count: This is doing my head in! What sort of plot is this?

McHaggis: Oh, this is nothing compared to previous adventures, believe me. Anyway, isn’t anyone going to ask how Crufts Robinson got his name?

[All eyes turn to Crufts. He is about to speak but is thwarted by Temperance Man.]

Temperance Man: Have you lot been drinking? This sort of thing can’t be the product of sober thought! Get me out of these cuffs and I’ll show you how a Temperance Man deals with soaks!

[All eyes again turn expectantly to Crufts.]

Crufts: The origin of my name? Don’t go there, McHaggis! I swear down, if you reveal the truth, I’ll –

Discount: You’ll what?

Crufts: Don’t push it, Discount.

McHaggis: It’s time for the Big Reveal: the reason Crufts Robinson is called that is because his mother loved Soul music – especially Smokey Robinson and the Miracles!

Crufts (to himself): She told me it was cos of Edward G Robinson, after she saw him in Little Caesar!

C*nt: Never mind the Robinson bit! Why’s he called Crufts?

McHaggis: Oh, that! Because he was conceived while his parents were dogging. In Bedgebury Pinetum, in Kent.

Miscount: What’s a Pinetum?

Count: A sort of prison for trees. That’s what attracted him to working in the prison system.

Temperance Man: Hold on, that doesn’t make any sense. You sure you’re not drunk?

C*nt: Not since we had that home-brew poitín made out of belly-button fluff, mince pies and nose-drippings last Christmas!

Count: Actually, I don’t know if it’s true. About Crufts’ conception I mean. I just hadn’t said much for a while and, if you’re going to have a big cast, you might as well give them all something to do, right?

Crufts: Damn you all to hell! How do you know where I was conceived, McHaggis?

McHaggis: Duh! I’m a time-traveller, remember? At least I was til I got sent to stir. Plus, I… I hang around dogging sites. OK? Happy now?

All: Ew!

Temperance Man: This is insane! You’re all stark raving mad! It’s enough to drive a man to drink! No wonder people turn to – Oh! Now I get it!

Discount: Well, that’s that then. There’s still no sign of a satisfactory ending to this wretched production.

All: Huzzah! Maybe there’ll be a sequel and we’ll get paid again!

[Actually, they all escaped through the numerous plot holes in the story.]

FADE OUT. THE END

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